> A convincing argument! Japanese friends (specifically male friends in
> this case) should, of course, be _one_ valuable resource.
>
> One of the reasons why I posted here is that I think those foreigners
> who have spent a long time in Japan and who, in the process of becoming
> proficient in Japanee may have solved similar problems, might be able to
> give some good advice, as well (this is how things have worked for me in
> other countriesi in the past).
>
> > Take your time
>
> Good that you say that. Culture cannot be learned overnight. And taking
> time has always been my way of doing things, and it has served me very
> well ;-)
>
> I appreciate that you understand my wish not to put anything awkward
> into existing friendships. Being careful about how I talk to people
> means, among other things, that in my life I have lost only one friend
> ever.

Al,

The only qualification, if you can call it that, that I may have to comment
on this topic is a relatively long stay in Japan. But I am sure you are
taking everyone's comments with an appropriately sized grain of salt, so
please do so with this post as well.

So, for what it is worth...

In your original post you say,

>To find out more about what I really would like to know, I need
>to 'send message", I think, and I would like to do that in a polite,
>non-invasive, and cheerful manner. So... how to say it in Japanese? Is
>there any recommendable esource for the inept or ignorant?

Going out on a limb here, me thinks you are putting too much emphasis on
using words; this is Japan, after all. Don't get me wrong, the gift of gab
is important and effective, but when it comes to getting intimate in
Japanese, maybe the less said, the better. Rather than trying to find a way
to get a message across with words, use the situation. Arrange a scenario to
place you and the one you desire in a situation where the only conclusion
one could draw is that she wants to be there with you to do what you both
want to do. Basically leading her down the path, while giving her ample
opportunity to bow out gracefully should get you to a point where there can
be little doubt in your mind as to what is in her mind. From what I have
have gathered (ncluding the generous feedback from Japanese friends),
Japanese ladies want the man to take the lead and thereby the responsibility
for the outcome, or at least absolve them from any decision making guilt.

I think that, although your desire to be non-invasive is admirable, this
basically does not match the objective. Taking control of the situation is
basically invasive. You can certainly be cheerful, and being impolite is not
the way to go, but polite language = distance in Japanese. Be cheerful,
familiar and firm And give her sufficient opportunity, indirectly, to duck
out. This is tricky, as she may go along with quite a lot out of politeness.
If you want to be a gentleman, you must make sure you are not imposing on
her, while still ushering her along as the man. Sounds oxymoronic, because
it is.

Another approach is to be essentially straight with her, but in English.
Even if you can speak Japanese, using English to get the message across more
directly is often much simpler (and better) than trying to elegantly beat
around the bush in your non-native toungue. I think she expects English to
be a more direct language and won't have the same reservations attached to
it as she does to straight talk in Japanese. Needless to say this will not
work if she does not speak any English.

There is the alternate route of getting the message to her through a good
friend of hers, but, depending on the person, it may be considered too corny
to get the desired response.

Not sure if this is of any help, but for what it's worth.

Good luck!

P.S. I can give you the URL to my website, where, for a small fee, you can
get even more sure-fire techniques! ;-)