Was expecting a bank transfer from a Pomgolian client.

Was expecting it about a week ago.

Contacted Pomgolian client and politely asked if transfer had been
made. It had. Politely asked pomgolian client if they could check with
their bank (HSBC) regarding the wire transfer. Also (very) politely
requested scanned copies of the remittance sheet so that I could make
discreet inquiry at this end.

Client contacted HSBC and was informed that when HSBC contacted UFJ,
they were told I didn't exist.

Went to UFJ. Took a fucking number. Waited all fucking afternoon.

"I'm sorry sir. The gaigin bank wanted to transfer funds to account
xxx-x,xxx,xxx to Mr Declan Murphy (the name my client surprisingly
calls me by, and my registered business name in said soggy country),
but naturally we told them no such account existed".

xxx-x,xxx,xxx is my account you stupid UFJ bitch.

"No sir, you are Mr MURPHY DECLAN FRANCIS"

Shows photo ID proving gaigin to be both MURPHY DECLAN FRANCIS and Mr
Declan Murphy. At the same time! Draws audible gasp. (I didn't produce
multiple passports etc in case of brain implosions, just the
"looks-like-a-terrorist" photo ID). I'm surprised she didn't call the
police.

Where is the transfer? In Tokyo or did you send it back?

"In Tokyo"

Did it occur to you (shows printed scan from HSBC), that since the
remittance sheet clearly states that xxx-x,xxx,xxx is at your branch,
and that the residential address of the account holder in your database
is the same as that on this remittance sheet, as are the telephone
numbers, that you could have easily confirmed that Mr Declan Murphy and
Mr MURPHY DECLAN FRANCIS are the same fucking long suffering
customer???

"No"

Now that I'm proven who I am, can you call Tokyo so that the funds can
be released?

"Wouldn't it be better if you contact HSBC and asked them to confirm
that they made a mistake and wanted to transfer the funds to Mr MURPHY
DECLAN FRANCIS"

Didn't even get a box of fucking tissues.

This is the same bank that nearly caused my electricity to be cut off
once when I was away a few years ago when they had mistyped my name Mr
MURPHY DECLAN FRNCIS.

I don't own a chainsaw. And it would have taken 20 minutes to walk back
and retrieve my new Makita DF430D driver drill. Spending the best part
of a month packing fertiliser and fuel into the back of a truck
probably wouldn't improve things, though a 60 meter crater couldn't
discernably harm the quality of UFJ's service. So I walked out in
defeat and called HSBC.

Plus when I decided to bore you all to death with this I discovered
that I'd already added that branch to my personal shitlist (and only
this year surprisingly http://tinyurl.com/cwlls) so couldn't update it.

So the long and the short of the story is...

Jason, Ryan, Jonathan, the "2-belo" et fucking al, when you coming
around for a few drinks???