My mother just sent me these. I'd seen most of them before, but it was
nice to get a fresh chuckle out of them again:

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These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:  

 

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children & don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

Next Thurs there will be tryouts for the choir. They need ALL the help
they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital & needs blood donors for more
transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping & requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?"  Come early & listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles & other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

Attend & you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment &
gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sun at 5:00 PM - prayer & medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Fri afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a "hymn sing" in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thurs 10 AM. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sun.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use
the back door.

The 8th-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Fri at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use the large double door at the side entrance. 
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--

Michael Cash

"I am sorry, Mr. Cash, but we are unable to accept your rap sheet in lieu of
a high school transcript."

                                Dr. Howard Sprague
                                Dean of Admissions
                                Mount Pilot College