THE ANAPHYLACTIC CHIPMUNK



The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is commonly mistaken for a squirrel with a 
basketball-sized head and puffy cheeks. Some think they look like a peanut 
with short legs. The Anaphylactic Chipmunk has 5 cowardly yellow lengthwise 
stripes running from its bulbous, swollen head to its ample well-versed 
rump. Chipmunks eat a variety of testicular treats and may occasionally 
climb a tree to lick bird poopings and other runny delights. The 
Anaphylactic Chipmunk eats a variety of small objects, which include 
smallcocks, miniscule nutsacs, penis butter, earthworms, slugs, young mice 
and birds, and small frogs or snakes. The male of the species often 
hibernates with other males, forming a homosexual ass-grabbing party all 
winter long. Most people plagued by this very queer chipmunk try to rid 
themselves of this pest, which in urban and suburban areas are frequently 
found in gardens. Below are some humane solutions to rid one's yard of the 
unwanted, and potentially dangerous, Anaphylactic Chipmunk.

Chipmunks Living in Your Yard

Do not encourage the Anaphylactic Chipmunk by feeding him. He will only grow 
fatter and more visually repulsive.

Do not grow peanuts in the garden since the Anaphylactic Chipmunk tends to 
blend in.

Males should not wear shorts while gardening since the Anaphylactic Chipmunk 
becomes overly sexually stimulated in the presence of scantily clad male 
gardeners. Albeit incredible, there have been cases where unsuspecting 
gardeners have had their cocks and balls severely bitten by this brazen 
rodent. Recent media attention has, in fact, caused the North American 
Symposium Against The Anaphylactic Chipmunk (NASAAC) to publicly recommend 
that male gardeners always attire themselves in long trousers. Although 
rare, several gardeners report having had their leg "humped" by these 
out-of-control pests, and having the distinct displeasure of removing gobs 
of sticky chipmunk butter from their humped extremity.


Deterring The Anaphylactic Chipmunk

The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is easily frightened. Leave blown up beach balls 
(similar in size to the chipmunks enormous candy-applelike head) in the 
yard. The wind will blow the balls around and frighten him. Place plastic 
bags on sticks in various spots in the yard for the same effect. Scarecrows 
and objects that move in the wind are also effective.

Place lighting (such as bright flashlights, flood lamps, blinking strands of 
holiday lights, etc.) outside the burrow. It is best to leave the lights on 
24 hours a day. If this is not possible, the lights must be on during the 
nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep.

Play a radio (portable alarm clock, noisy children's toy, anything that 
plays music or makes noise repeatedly) either in or near the burrow. It is 
best to leave the noisemakers on 24 hours a day. If this is not possible, 
the radio must be on during the nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep.

Place rags soaked in ammonia in the burrow for one week. Ammonia has an 
irritating smell. Over time the ammonia will dissipate, so it is important 
to re-soak the rags on a daily basis. *VERY IMPORTANT* Do not use ammonia 
soaked rags during the winter season when the males are playing ass-grab in 
the burrow, as this may stimulate them into a "golden shower" party; and 
then you will never get rid of this pest.

To determine if the Anaphylactic Chipmunk has left his burrow, look for 
anal-strength condoms scattered around the mouth of the burrow or in the 
yard.



Public Health Concerns

The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is considered to be a significant source for any 
infectious disease that can be transmitted to humans. They may be carriers 
of rabies and cornhole disease.


** Posted from http://www.teranews.com **