I feel I have a legacy of laziness and escapism. Either I don't feel
energy, or if I do, I find it difficult to just completely let go. I feel a
control.


          I feel it is somewhere and has become part of your bio-computer.
The mind functions as a computer, and we go on feeding it attitudes. They go
on accumulating there and by and by they become deeply ingrained.
Personalities can be divided into two categories. One, psychologists call
the T-personality, toxic, and the other they call the N personality,
nourishing.

      A toxic personality is always looking at things in a negative way. The
whole world view of the toxic personality is depressing, sad. The toxic
personality hides in beautiful faces. A perfectionist is a toxic
personality. You cannot say that something is wrong in a perfectionist, but
the whole idea of being a perfectionist is to find errors, mistakes,
loopholes. It is a trick. You cannot find any fault with a man who looks for
perfection, but in fact that is not his goal; perfection is a device. He
wants to look at loopholes, mistakes, errors, anything that is missing, and
this is the best way - to keep a goal of perfection so that he can compare
them with the ideal and always condemn.

      This toxic personality always thinks of that which is not and never
looks at that which is, so discontent becomes natural. A toxic personality
poisons his own being; not only that - he drips poison.

      It can be a heritage. If you have lived with people in your childhood
who had a negative attitude towards life.... It may be hiding in glowing
terms, beautiful language, ideals, heaven, God, religion, the soul; they can
use beautiful words, but they are simply trying...and they talk about the
other world just to condemn this one. They are not concerned with the other
world. They have no interests in saints, but just to prove that others are
sinners, they will talk about saints.

      It is a very morbid attitude. They will say, 'Become like Jesus.' They
are not interested in Jesus at all. If Jesus were there they would be the
last person to go to him, but just to condemn you, this is their device. You
cannot become Jesus, so you become a victim. They always condemn you. They
create values, moralities, puritan attitudes. They are the moralists, the
moralisers; they are the great poisoners of the world.

      And they are everywhere. These people tend to become teachers,
educationalists, professors, vice-chancellors, saints, bishops, popes; they
tend to become these things because then they can condemn. They are even
ready to sacrifice everything if they are just allowed the joy of condemning
others. They are everywhere, hiding in many ways. And they are always doing
things for your good, for your own good, so you are defenceless against
them. Their heritage is real, big. They have dominated the whole history.

      These people immediately become dominators. Their very ideology helps
them to dominate because they can become condemnators. And they talk in
rational terms. Rationalism is also part of the T personality. They are very
argumentative...very difficult to defeat them in argumentation. They are
never reasonable, but they are always rational.

      One must know the distinction between a reasonable man and a rational
man. A reasonable man is never only rational, because a reasonable man knows
by experience that life has both - the rational and the irrational; that
life has both - reason and feeling, the mind and the heart.

      A reasonable man is reasonable. A rational man is never reasonable. He
forces logic on life - and logic can be perfect; life can never be. He
always looks to the ideal, and he tries to force life to follow the ideal.
He never looks into life and the reality of life. His ideals are against
life.

      The second personality, the N personality, the nourishing personality,
is totally different. It has no ideals, really. It just looks into life and
the reality decides its ideal. It is very reasonable. It is never
perfectionistic; it is wholistic but never a perfectionist. And it always
looks on the good side of things. The N personality is always hopeful,
radiant, adventurous, trusting, not condemnatory. These are the people who
become poets, painters, musicians.

      If an N-type person becomes a saint, then there is a real saint. If a
T-type person becomes a saint, there is a false saint, a pseudo-saint. If an
N-type person becomes a father, then there is a real father. If an N type
person becomes a mother, there is real mothering. A T-type is a pseudo
father and a pseudo mother. That is just a trick to exploit the child, to
torture, to dominate, possess and to crush the child, to feel powerful by
crushing the child. The T-type is in the majority, so you may be right that
you are carrying a heritage everybody is. But once you become aware, there
is not much of a problem. You can travel from T to N very easily.

      A few things to remember. If you feel lazy, don't call it laziness.
Listen to your nature; maybe that's what fits you. That's what I call a
reasonable man. What can you do? If laziness comes to you, then that's what
you have to do. Who are you to decide against it? And how can you win
against it? Even in your fight you will be lazy. Who is going to win? You
will be constantly defeated, and then you will feel unnecessarily miserable.

      Be realistic. Listen to your own being. Everybody has his own pace. A
few people are very active, rushing; nothing is wrong in it. If they feel
good in it, it is good for them.

      And don't create any ideals that you have to do this. Don't have any
'shoulds'. The 'should' creates a sort of neurosis. Then one is obsessed.
The 'should' is always there, standing and condemning you, and you cannot
enjoy anything. Enjoy! Kill the 'should' completely and be herenow.
Whatsoever you can do, do; whatsoever you cannot do, accept. That is the way
you are, and you are here to be yourself, nobody else. By and by you will
see that your T is turning into N. You will become nourishing and you will
enjoy more, you will love more, and you will become more meditative.

      In fact, for a lazy person to become meditative is easier than for an
active person. That's why the whole East became lazy - they meditated too
much. Meditation is a sort of passivity. An active person feels very
restless. Just to sit silent is the most difficult thing. Not to do anything
is the most difficult thing to do for an active person.

      Just enjoy and move as fits your being - no shoulds, no ideals,
otherwise they will poison you. Look at life with deep hope. It is really
beautiful. Just look at it, and don't wait for perfection. Don't think in
terms of your enjoying things only when they are perfect; then you will
never enjoy.

      If a T-type person encounters God, he will immediately find some
faults in him. That's why God is hiding...because of T-type people. He
reveals himself to the N-type, never to T-types. He reveals only to those
who can take nourishment from him - not only that, but to those who can
nourish him.

      So just relax, enjoy, accept, and the problems will disappear.


      The Passion For the Impossible

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