Path: news.ccsf.jp!news.heimat.gr.jp!goblin1!goblin.stu.neva.ru!feeder.news-service.com!feeder1.cambrium.nl!feed.tweaknews.nl!news2.euro.net!nntpserver.com!zeus.nntpserver.com!pfilter-v0.1!news.teranews.com!not-for-mail From: "Colonel Edmund J. Burke" Newsgroups: alt.english.usage,alt.fan.adolf-hitler,alt.hobbies.boyscouts,alt.support.depression,alt.usage.english,israel.gardening,japan.gardening,rec.scouting.issues,soc.penpals,uk.misc Subject: BASIC CONTROL OF THE ANAPHYLACTIC CHIPMUNK Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 17:10:08 -0700 X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2900.3138 X-RFC2646: Format=Flowed; Original X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.3198 Message-ID: <7dd75$480543e7$4912@news.teranews.com> X-Complaints-To: abuse@teranews.com Organization: www.TeraNews.com Lines: 78 NNTP-Posting-Date: Tue, 15 Apr 2008 20:10:15 -0400 Xref: news.ccsf.jp japan.gardening:187 THE ANAPHYLACTIC CHIPMUNK The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is commonly mistaken for a squirrel with a basketball-sized head and puffy cheeks. Some think they look like a peanut with short legs. The Anaphylactic Chipmunk has 5 cowardly yellow lengthwise stripes running from its bulbous, swollen head to its ample well-versed rump. Chipmunks eat a variety of testicular treats and may occasionally climb a tree to lick bird poopings and other runny delights. The Anaphylactic Chipmunk eats a variety of small objects, which include smallcocks, miniscule nutsacs, penis butter, earthworms, slugs, young mice and birds, and small frogs or snakes. The male of the species often hibernates with other males, forming a homosexual ass-grabbing party all winter long. Most people plagued by this very queer chipmunk try to rid themselves of this pest, which in urban and suburban areas are frequently found in gardens. Below are some humane solutions to rid one's yard of the unwanted, and potentially dangerous, Anaphylactic Chipmunk. Chipmunks Living in Your Yard Do not encourage the Anaphylactic Chipmunk by feeding him. He will only grow fatter and more visually repulsive. Do not grow peanuts in the garden since the Anaphylactic Chipmunk tends to blend in. Males should not wear shorts while gardening since the Anaphylactic Chipmunk becomes overly sexually stimulated in the presence of scantily clad male gardeners. Albeit incredible, there have been cases where unsuspecting gardeners have had their cocks and balls severely bitten by this brazen rodent. Recent media attention has, in fact, caused the North American Symposium Against The Anaphylactic Chipmunk (NASAAC) to publicly recommend that male gardeners always attire themselves in long trousers. Although rare, several gardeners report having had their leg "humped" by these out-of-control pests, and having the distinct displeasure of removing gobs of sticky chipmunk butter from their humped extremity. Deterring The Anaphylactic Chipmunk The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is easily frightened. Leave blown up beach balls (similar in size to the chipmunks enormous candy-applelike head) in the yard. The wind will blow the balls around and frighten him. Place plastic bags on sticks in various spots in the yard for the same effect. Scarecrows and objects that move in the wind are also effective. Place lighting (such as bright flashlights, flood lamps, blinking strands of holiday lights, etc.) outside the burrow. It is best to leave the lights on 24 hours a day. If this is not possible, the lights must be on during the nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep. Play a radio (portable alarm clock, noisy children's toy, anything that plays music or makes noise repeatedly) either in or near the burrow. It is best to leave the noisemakers on 24 hours a day. If this is not possible, the radio must be on during the nighttime to disturb the animal's sleep. Place rags soaked in ammonia in the burrow for one week. Ammonia has an irritating smell. Over time the ammonia will dissipate, so it is important to re-soak the rags on a daily basis. *VERY IMPORTANT* Do not use ammonia soaked rags during the winter season when the males are playing ass-grab in the burrow, as this may stimulate them into a "golden shower" party; and then you will never get rid of this pest. To determine if the Anaphylactic Chipmunk has left his burrow, look for anal-strength condoms scattered around the mouth of the burrow or in the yard. Public Health Concerns The Anaphylactic Chipmunk is considered to be a significant source for any infectious disease that can be transmitted to humans. They may be carriers of rabies and cornhole disease. ** Posted from http://www.teranews.com **