On 7 Mar 2004 14:44:40 -0800, japanskeptic@yahoo.com (X Japan) brought
down from the Mount tablets inscribed:

>Michael,
>
>You are way out of your league in your response, pal. 

If you don't want my frank opinion, you would do well not to ask for
it then.

>Step into my shoes for ONE MINUTE.. 

Don't assume that I haven't already been in them. I have also known
the joy of living in America with a Japanese wife who was going nutso
on me. Seriously.

>Things are not as easy as you make them seem.

They never are.
>
>For the sake of the CHILDREN I have not called the cops, if only
>because if I take the dramatic measure of having her go to jail, the
>two kids will likely grow up without, a): their mother, or b): their
>father. Or worse yet, social services will take my kids away from her
>AND ME. I am trying to make this marriage work for the sake of the
>children.

I fail to see how leaving them in the custody of a person you know is
being physically abusive to them is acting in their best interest. Are
you aware of Japanese attitudes toward parents killing their own
children? Ask around about –³—??S’† (muri-shinjuu).
>
>By the way, she has threatened to return to Japan with my kids and not
>give me visitation rights... this is the kind of sh#t I deal with
>every damn day.

I walked in those shoes, brother. Minus the threat about visitation
rights, though. In my case, I was working as an over-the-road truck
driver in the US while my wife, like yours, sat at home by herself all
the time and made no effort to involve herself in anything outside the
home. She went off her rocker quite badly, coming to believe that my
parents and I were cooking up a scheme to steal the children away from
her and get rid of her. Her own grandparents played no real role in
her own childhood and she couldn't wrap her mind around the idea of my
parents wishing to be involved in their grandchildren's lives.

Every time I went out on the road, I didn't know if my wife and kids
were still going to be there when I came home again or not. She
reached a level of depression/despondency that I did seriously worry
about her killing herself and taking the kids with her (not an
uncommon news item in Japan, by the way). That I would come home and
find the place deserted was a more real concern, though.

Before leaving on one particular trip, I asked her if she and the kids
would still be there when I got back. The answer? "Yes, because I
don't know how to get to the airport."

Seeing that she was never going to adapt to living in the US, or even
make any real attempt to, I packed us all up and we moved back to
Japan for good. We had also done the Japan - US - Japan - US thing you
have done.
>
>I have informed my wife's parents and sisters back in Japan about the
>child abuse situation -- they continue to sit on that information and
>mull over it.

You've already figured this part out then. You can't expect any
help/intervention from them.
>
>As for her not getting adjusted to life in the US, that is just BS. In
>fact, WE MET HERE IN THE US! She wants to be here.

That hardly jibes with her statements about taking the kids back to
Japan and cutting you out of the picture, does it?
>
> > This has jackshit to do with the cultural differences of the
>parents.
>> This is child abuse, plain and simple. You need to remove either the
>> kids or the abusive parent from the equation until the urge to abuse
>> has been removed from the abusive parent.
>
>You'd better believe it has to do with cultural differences, my
>friend. I have informed her parents, I have informed the local
>Japanese social services group, and all are IGNORING the problem as if
>it were no big deal.

That's what Japanese social services do...until a coronor's services
are needed. Biggest head-in-the-sand crowd that ever (dis)graced the
planet.
>
>So my last resort is the cops, but that is a drastic step.

Is it just that she likes beating the kids for the sake of beating the
kids? Or that they are an easy outlet for misplaced frustrations? I
suspect the latter. The kid beating, while a very serious problem of
itself, is very likely just a symptom, with the real source of the
problem lying elsewhere.
>
>Remember: I am a father. There are NO RESOURCES FOR FATHERS in the
>situation of having a female spouse doing the child abuse. NONE. NADA.
>The system is set up against the dads.
> 
>> Have you just "threatened" to call the cops? Or have you had her led
>> away in handcuffs and booked? Big difference. An oft-repeated but
>> never enacted threat is worse than useless.
>
>How do I get her led off in cuffs if the slapping shows no marks or
>bruises? Ditto for screaming. The abuse is more psychological than
>physical... it's extremely difficult to prove.

You don't have to prove anything in order to swear out a criminal
complaint. That comes later on in the process,
>
>> Ideally, of course, you should get her some psychiatric help, but I
>> have doubts that she would go for it
>
>She won't.

Then Ryan's advice sounds like your best short-term approach. Defuse
the situation by getting somebody to watch the kids for a while while
the two of you have a heart-to-heart and try like mad to get to what
the real source of the problem is. 
>
>>or that it would do any good. It
>> sounds to me like you have on your hands a Japanese woman who is
>> steadily going psycho from not adapting to life outside Japan very
>> well.
>
>Not true. We life in a large metro area with a large Japanese
>immigrant population, and many Japan-centric services. She has
>Japanese friends and acquaintances here. This was also a problem when
>we lived there (in Japan).

The child beating or the isolating herself at home?
>
>> The only details I would like are your name and address so I know
>> where to send the child welfare people and the cops.
>
>Look into what my rights as a father are (not many), and you will
>understand why I don't want to fight this battle in courts or the
>social worker offices. I asked for help or advice, not judgement or
>condemnation.

When you tell me that your kids are being physically abused and you go
off every day leaving them in the custody of the abuser, then you can
expect a healthy dose of judgment and condemnation together with the
help and advice.





--

Michael Cash

"I am sorry, Mr. Cash, but we are unable to accept your rap sheet in lieu of
a high school transcript."

                                Dr. Howard Sprague
                                Dean of Admissions
                                Mount Pilot College