After four years away, I have fallen behind in my Japanese pop culture
and in my language ability. Some assistance would be greatly
appreciated with the following questions:

How does one say in Japanese, "Listen you old hag, you've been feeling
up my belly and shoulders, yelling "Wow!" for over a minute. Please
stop before I break you into enough pieces to feed the school of fish
below the restaurant. And while we're at it, bring me a sammich
dammit!"

Is this Bobby Oregon tarento officially the most annoying gaijin ever
on Japanese TV....ever? Regardless, is it wrong to want to kick him in
the teeth every time he starts up with his baby/mumble talk?

I remember Japanese beer tasting better than this. Was it the heat that
made it seem better when I lived here or had I simply given up all hope
of a decent beer in the local conbinis?

Is it everwhere that conbinis are shutting down and being replaced by
other shops or just here in the suburbs of Nagoya?

Why do the bottles of clear gatorade come with protein snacks?

You call this hot? In my days in Japan we knew what real heat was! Kids
today, they have it easy with this cold summer!

Thank you for any and all assistance.

All answers will be discussed and contradictory ones voted upon at the
Tokyo Gathering on the 20th.